Woke up 4:10 in the morning feeling so uneasy. It's been so long since the last time I feel so disturbed like this....preoccupied by silence,chase by memories,haunted by dreams.
I have never been good in decoding message of love and so as relationships. often times i think ahead and manage to find flaws sometimes in others but mostly my own. Foretell the ending and go create the cause save myself and end up alone.
At this moment i can realize how coward i am telling I'm OK when i am actually not. Being happy with others happiness when it actually causes my misery. Am i that selfish?? To sigh is all i can do and convince myself for the second time around that: Some people are meant to fall in love with each other....but not meant to be together. A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other... maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever.
What kills me? exactly like Jeanette Winterson, Written on the Body
says: "Neglect. Not to see you when you stand before me. Not to think of you in
the little things. Not to make the road wide for you, the table spread
for you. To choose you out of habit not desire, to pass the flower
seller without a thought. To leave the dishes unwashed, the bed unmade,
to ignore you in the mornings, make use of you at night. To crave
another while pecking your cheek. To say your name without hearing it,
to assume it is mine to call."
I know I'm not easy I have a wandering heart and mind an unstable emotion. As I lay to sleep again... I will stop searching for ever. I will let time pass by and comfort me with tears and smile. Hug me tightly with the warm and cold blowing breeze. Done with this drama peg, Leo in me unleashed now i feel better and i can not help my self, again, to be genuinely happy with someone's happiness.
