My dream is slowly fading, its hopeless, its living for somebody else.

I sleep as much as I can now only to dream. Because only in my dreams will my heart be at ease and will I feel at peace and safe again in his arms. But I worry I’m being unfair to myself because my dreams are so far from reality as I wake up alone and he is no longer there. In my dreams I get to hold his hand and smother him with kisses all over and feel his warm skin on mine but now in reality if I was to even try that it’s pretty much illegal. 

The worst scar I have isn't from my self-inflicted cuts on my wrists, its in my heart from the pain of having love torn out of it in an instant. I suffer in silence, yet I scream the pain in every tear drop that falls on my pillow at night. 

All I do now is hold my own hand and pretend that my other hand is his and all that does is make me cry. What would you do and how would you feel losing something that is literally on your mind every single second of your day no matter where you are or what you are doing? what right do I have holding onto someone who just doesn’t want to feel me holding onto them? I know I’m not good enough to even hold your hand. I know I’m not woman enough to make you my husband.

 I don’t know what to do I know I won’t get anything out of writing this but I just wish you got married and she got to be with you every single day. She will  hold you in her arms and cuddle you from behind and kiss your neck and whisper in your ear how much she loves you. I really do love you more than anyone could ever love another person but I always wish your happiness if its not me maybe from someone else. I hope you smile every single day.

I believe in love, no matter how much it hurts sometimes. Love is not selfish, so forth it is thinking about others before you think about yourself. Though I don't deny being self absorbed, I win and stay blessed because I'm not selfish. There is a difference. I give, I live, I love.

Sometimes, we fabricate our emotions and wallow ourselves in a fog of tremendous sadness of jealousy and love without having to appear that we actually are as we put on a happy face, trying not to unmask our true identities, laying all along behind each of our own shadows. But how does anyone know exactly how to be happy in love? How does anyone know when to be? People will leave us in distress. We will be left alone, trying to survive along the way until we fall from our knees and accept our defeat. And it is in these moments that we have to drop the act, leave everything behind, unveil our true identity and reveal our true weak, scared, unhappy self. By then we will realize that happiness of our heart depends on the quality of our thoughts so let's guard it.